Around this time of year, everybody is thinking about the future. We begin rolling the sound of the new year in our minds: "Twenty-ten, or two thousand and ten, or how shall I say it?" Sometimes the arrival of a new year is accompanied by a sense of bewilderment, in wondering just where the year has gone, and in pondering just what this next year will hold.
This year, as I look out upon the on-coming year, I can't help but feel a bit overwhelmed not only at the thought of what might come to us in 2010, but in all the years that follow. In a lot of ways, I still feel like a kid. Sure, I've finished college (did well, too) and got married. Those events were the effective conclusion to many questions I had about my life earlier on. I don't have to worry about who to marry or what to study. But my questions have changed and broadened, and leave me feeling smaller than I felt I was six or so years ago: When it comes time to have children, will I have the strength to be a good father? Can I really strive hard enough to last through an MA and PhD? How long will I be able to continue my studies until my eyes fail on me? Where will we end up? What sort of job can I find in the end? How will I ever manage owning a house? Do I have what it takes to be a family leader and a provider?
Maybe I've had too much time to myself to think, but all these questions (and others) have been sharply on my mind. I do find much comfort, though, in reflecting on the story of Jesus' birth during this season--especially with reference to Mary and Joseph, and Zachariah and Elizabeth. These everyday people had their lives disrupted and realigned for a great purpose. The Lord was working dynamically in the world, and their lives, at least at first, would bear the brunt of it. Whatever plans they had were very much redirected. What a task it must have been for Joseph to care for his wife and her baby as he uprooted his family at Gabriel's beckoning; and Mary submitted her body, life, and reputation to God's bidding. What must it have been like for a couple old enough to be elderly grandparents to be suddenly thrust into childrearing (and to think of it, though it was a joyous occasion for her, Elizabeth had no say in the matter--the angel spoke only to Zachariah).
I can't possibly relate to the gravity of the challenges they faced. I'll certainly never raise a Messiah nor a prophet like John. My actions won't be the stuff of legend, and won't affect the course of history. And for this I'm grateful. But what I can relate to is standing on the threshold of many unknowns. All these questions I have, they aren't the kind of things that will alter time and space, but they are the kind of things that will directly affect the kind of life and service my wife and I and others will experience.
But along with all the unknowns comes comfort. I'm not alone in my unknowns. On one level, I have a kind and understanding wife who regularly reassures me that, in her own words, "I'll follow you to the ends of the earth." And on another level entirely, the same Most High who tore into the lives of Mary, Joseph, Elizabeth, and Zachariah, holds in his hands the pages of my own life.
(I'm not struggling to find the specifics of what the Lord desires me to do; I've laid to rest that childhood question of "What is God's will for my life?". To quote a friend, it's all about the "How" and "Why" of life rather than the "What?" "How shall I live?", rather than, "What will I do?" If I'm seeking to live a life that is worthy of the Lord, then I'm not too concerned about whether or not the specifics will line up. My assumption is that they will; that is, that they will 'line up' with what He has in mind, not according to what I think those future specifics should be.)
Basically, this is it: I don't care what I do. I'm not sure it matters what exactly I end up doing as a career, or where we end up living. All I want in life is to know that I am contributing to the Lord's working in the world. I want to contribute to the changing of lives, on whatever level it may happen by my influence. I want to take seriously the call he places on our lives as his children to live as children of light. Whether I end up as a professor at some prestigious school or a small one, or whether I end up as a pastor, or whether I end up working in a small town doing something completely unrelated to academics, I want only to have a sense of belonging and purpose in what I do.
I want to be a good leader to my family, a good worker, and an obedient son in Christ. All these things are what God wants of me as a man. All these things are difficult to accomplish, taking great attention and discipline. All these things are impossible to do well without God's mercy and enablement. My greatest desire for the fleeting years of my life is that they should be spent in pursuit of the things the Lord honors. I want my life to be counted as useful to him. What else matters?
Well, this has been therapeutic for me to think through. I suppose this post has been more for me than for you. At any rate, those are my honest thoughts, and my most earnest prayer.
Peace.
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